Sitting Shiva

Shiva…is the week long mourning period for close family members in the Jewish faith.

“‘Sitting shiva’ is a term used to describe the action of Jewish mourners participating in the traditional rituals of observing a shiva. During the period of shiva, mourners sometimes sit on low stools or boxes while they receive condolence calls. This is where the phrase “sitting shiva” comes from, and it is a practice that symbolizes the mourner being “brought low” following the loss of a loved one. For seven days, the family members of the deceased gather in one location – typically their own home or the home of the deceased – and mourns the loss in a variety of ways. “

https://www.shiva.com/learning-center/sitting-shiva/

And no…no one died. I’m using it here as a metaphorical device…the act of mourning something that I’ve lost–that has figuratively died or disappeared.

I’ve gone through a tough 3 weeks now. Basically, I made a mistake, made some assumptions, and thought that a personal situation was something more than it was. And yes, it was 99% my fault. I let my feelings and emotions get the better of me. I let my heart rule my head, fantasy overrule logic, and passion override reason. And I paid the price. Paid the price big time! I should have recognized certain facts, and been more careful.

Granted, I did recognize the danger I was in. It would be like the Titanic recognizing that it was going to hit the iceberg, and knowing that there wasn’t a damn thing to do about it. I KNEW. I KNEW things wouldn’t turn out well.

The problem (or is it) is that I have always been an optimist when it comes to people. I dare to dream. I dare to have hope. I believe that God, fates, providence, whatever, will one day work in my favour when it comes to friendships, relationships, etc. And I’ve mostly been disappointed. But one must keep hope alive. And that’s what I did…until it was made abundantly clear that there was no hope. The iceberg was NOT going to move out of the way. My life was not going to be filmed as Capra film where everything turns out ok in some weird twist of fate.

So, hope. I think for the first time in a long time, I don’t have any hope. About anything. And that has caused me to sink into a very deep, very dark, very depressive funk. One so deep and dark, that I’ve lost the ability to find my way out on my own. Ergo, seeing a therapist.

But what does this have to do with sitting shiva? I’m getting there. I think, for the last 3 weeks or so, I’ve been mourning. Weeping, crying, gnashsing of teeth, etc. The whole gamut of being angry, sad, and all the negative emotions that come with something–a relationship, a friend, a potential lover, an IDEA or CONCEPT dying.

The point of sitting shiva is that it’s only supposed to be a week. One isn’t supposed to do it forever. One must move on and try, at the very least, to live life.

I am by NO means ready to do a dance of joy among the living. I still regret what has happened and my role in it. And I still want to do the easy thing instead of the right thing.

However. But. Notwithstanding. I think the time for sitting shiva is over. Hopefully with professional help, and the assistance of loved ones, I can get back on with my life. I can see past the clouds and realize that there is sun above them. It’s time to confront what I fear and be happier and better equipped to live life.

It’s time to wash my hands. In short, it’s time for shiva to be over. And while I’ll have sad recollections, hopefully they will be fewer and fewer as time goes by and I’ll be able to make amends and find peace. And maybe, even give some.

Shalom.