Some days are harder than others, especially in terms of self image. Every now and then, I list the qualities and characteristics that I can bring to a relationship, and curse the fact that it is wrapped up in such an unattractive package.
“There is love in me the likes of which you’ve never seen. There is rage in me the likes of which should never escape. If I am not satisfied in the one, I will indulge the other.” Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
As mentioned before, I do have the power and capacity to love with a passion that is amazing, especially when it’s directed to the right person. But my inability to be seen as attractive to those I’m attracted to is incredibly hurtful, and depressing all at the same time.
It’s even more enraging when on paper, and in person it’s an incredibly good fit. Yet, people see the outside, and to those whose outside isn’t the best, it’s an incredible disadvantage. It’s enraging. I think I have to fight three, four, ten times as much to get a first look, or a second look. Whereas others who bring nothing can glide in an out of a relationship and dating because they look good. All style, no substance. And I get the fact that life isn’t fair, and it sure as hell isn’t supposed to easy. I’d just wish that it would treat me a little kinder in the realm. So, what does one do? Does one suck it up? Or does one rage, fists clenched in the skies, cursing whatever deity I believe in? Maybe a bit of both.
“The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil. Yet even that enemy of God and man had friends and associates in his desolation; I am alone.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
Sometimes…I feel so alone…granted I have family and a few close friends, but I don’t think they understand the depths of the solitude and desolation that I feel sometimes. It feels like it’s a long road, with nothing and no one on the horizon. It would be nice to have a relationship–someone to love in that way. And it saddens me, and angers me that people who aren’t the best, who aren’t trying, who are players and pieces of **** seem ( I know), seem to receive no punishment for their behaviour. Karma? What’s that? Whereas people who try…who actually work on being nice, and supportive, etc…they get the shaft. Again, I know…life isn’t fair. Doesn’t make it any easier.
“I am alone and miserable. Only someone as ugly as I am could love me.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
It does a number on your soul, and psyche. Thinking about the injustices of the world, running yourself down, thinking you aren’t worth anything to anyone. It’s hard. You learn to think the worse of yourself. All the joy and happiness that you have gets sucked out, or thrown out, and you’re left with no hope at all. And you end up believing it..because you live it? Or do you live it because you believe in it? The world is hard enough without having confidence to go out and live. And when that confidence is gone…you do become miserable. You don’t try and do things and be with people. You turn into the lowest possible opinion of yourself. You feel it, and then you become it. And it’s so hard to break free of that.
“I shall commit my thoughts to paper, it is true; but that is a poor medium for the communication of feeling. I desire the company of a man who could sympathize with me, whose eyes would reply to mine.”
― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein
So, I write. Sometimes with laughter, today with tears and weeping, but I write. As I mentioned before, I start my first real session with my therapist soon. It does help. But talking to someone will help more. I don’t have anyone who I can talk to about this…who gets it. And so, for now, I bear this alone. Today is turning out to be a harder day than others. I wish I were an android, or robot—so I couldn’t feel, couldn’t be hurt, couldn’t get angry, couldn’t cry. And couldn’t care.
Anyway, that’s it for today.
Adrian's Blog ( A deep dive into my mind) 
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