Didn’t we almost have it all?

I was listening to Whitney Houston singing this song, and I admit it did make me feel nostalgic. Regrets, nostalgia, happy memories, etc, are all a part of life, aren’t they not? As well as speculating on what life could be, or could have been.

I try not to indulge in regrets, but being human, it’s only natural to wonder “what might have been.” In the science fiction world, this is easily solved by the concept of alternate universes, or quantum realities. Basically, for every reality or universe we experience, there’s another one with vastly different outcomes, or slightly different ones. It all depends on the particulars of the decision that is/or has been made.

I was thinking about this topic about my own life, and what might have happened if…. For example, I was a pretty good French horn player, and was seriously considering going to a fine arts high school to further my skills. I decided, however, to stay in the high school I was in. So in another reality, am I a professional horn player? I am a poor, starving artist somewhere? Did I switch my focus from music to drama? One doesn’t know!

And of course, there are the more serious, grim changes that happen in life. When I was eighteen, my favourite aunt passed away. She was in her 50s, and it was sudden. When you’re 18, and people start dying, it changes you. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. For the record, I lost my aunt and two grandparents that year…and also went to Paris for the first time and fell in love. Eighteen was a momentous year for me.

But getting back to my aunt. She was like a second mother to me. I was much more afraid of her, in my own way, than my own mom, and didn’t want to disappoint her. She had faith in me, absolute faith that I’d do well. Study hard, do good in school and all the other things a good nephew would do.

My years at university were unfocused. I didn’t take well to the lack of structure and the required independence to do well. I floated and drifted–bad grades, almost flunking out. While I didn’t care what my parents thought per se…to disappoint my Aunt C. would have been something I couldn’t do. I just wouldn’t have. Sometimes I wonder if she had been alive during my university years…would I have been as flighty and flakey as I was? Alternate universe? I’m sure I wasn’t.

So, getting back to the title of the post…I’d like to think that in an alternate universe, we DID have it all. I seem to be cursed with the affliction of being seen as a good friend by people, and not as a boyfriend or partner. Dating, laughing, being in love with each other, caring, supporting, building each other up, helping each other when we’re down–in every barometer of healthy attraction, we’d show pluses.

The question though is this..and one which I ponder. Going to Doctor Who, there’s a concept called “a fixed point in time”. That means a particular event MUST happen in every single universe, and can’t be changed. EVER. OR, it means that an event must be allowed to happen, or dire results will ensue.

Simply put, removing all the sci-fi-entific technobabble, what I’m asking is this. WHAT CAN I CHANGE to get to the universe I want? The life I want. Is it too late? Are things unfixable? Will going back and meddling with something cause dire consequences? Or will something miraculous happen?

I don’t know. But I do know this. There’s a choice I can make. Not a general “choice I’m using for artistic license”, but an ACTUAL real life choice. To tell, or stay silent. To say how I feel openly and directly, or to keep crap bottled up. To let it all hang out, or to keep my secrets to myself. To explain my feelings and LET THEM OUT. I’ve been a coward in this respect for far too long. I think I’m so afraid of rejection, that I refuse to do anything that will cause it to happen. However, my instincts and intuition are pretty good. Or maybe that’s a crutch not to say, or do anything that will get me hurt? Who knows. What I do know from now on, is that I plan on making a point of saying how I feel.

I’ll be frank…the chances of anything changing are slim to none. Almost zero. But if something is to be over, if a relationship is to be ended for good, if one has to be honest to oneself, then unfortunately, one must speak. Granted, not yet. It’s not the time, and I want professional advice.

Andrew Lloyd Webber composed a song called “Tell Me On A Sunday”. The lyrics which I like the most are as follows.

” Don’t leave in silence with no word at all
Don’t get drunk and slam the door
That’s no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please.”

Basically she’s saying…if you’re going to leave me, do it RIGHT. Do it properly and show some kindness. And I’ve taken that to heart. I know that my emotions have been all over the place…because I was drowning. I was hurt, mad, and I didn’t know how to handle them or what to do except let them ALL out, because keeping them all in has been the bane of my existence.

Notwithstanding that? It changes. Time to show some compassion, some respect, and feeling. It might not make it right. But I’m determined to “Tell Him On A Sunday Please.” And hope against hope that we might still be able to have it all. Though my hopes are slim, at least they are grounded in the fact that I will be disappointed.

That’s all for now!