Lessons from the couch

So I went to see a professional to deal with the emotional turmoil that I’ve been going through, and to get some clarity about the stuff I’ve been going through.

I learned that it’s ok to have needs and to get them filled and not to feel guilty about that. In my own way I can be a caregiver, assisting in solving problems, or solving peoples’ problems for them. But I can’t ignore or sublimate my needs while doing that. I can’t or shouldn’t arrange my life and my priorities unless I really want to do so. I learned that I was doing that a lot, at my own detriment. As for unspoken needs and desires, I learned that I have to speak up about those and not feel GUILTY about having them. I have to be careful that I’m doing things for the right reasons, and not the wrong reasons.

I learned that what I’m going through is easily comparable to a grieving process. That the loss is keenly felt. Something that I hadn’t realized…but it was in many ways, comparable to an emotional affair–that our relationship/friendship was far deeper than I realized.

I learned that there is value to VERBALIZING issues. Not texting, messaging, writing, but actually speaking the words out loud. Hearing myself say what I needed to say was powerful and emotional.

I learned that dreams are conversations that one has with oneself according to Gestalt modality. Namely, dreams are things which should be paid attention to, especially if you are fortunate to remember what they are about. I’m lucky that the bad dreams have stopped, and been replaced by at least one good dream

There are other things I learned, but for now, will keep them to myself. The question is…how do I go about changing my behaviour?

Well, the first thing is to be more open and vocal about what I want and need. None of this hiding stuff anymore, and feeling guilty about it. If there’s stuff I’m feeling, I owe it to myself to vocalize it, and be more demanding. Not because I’m a jerk, but because having wants and needs is an ok thing. Not being rude, but being polite about it.

Also, it’s ok to define and set parameters in my friendships and relationships. There can be limits as to what I can do, and what I SHOULD do. People need to do things on their own, and I can’t be expected to help them, or replace the need for them to cope, etc. And I shouldn’t feel guilty about that either.

As for my friendships, relationships, etc…I also have learned that it’s ok, and even desirable to change the basis or parameters of those relationships so that I can be a healthier me.

Now…this is session one, and I’m positive that I will have more insights, and more nuances about issues as we go forward. My thoughts and analysis of what I THINK I’m hearing may change. And that’s ok.

I should have taken this step a LONG time ago.