The fault is mine…

Hello, hello!!!

I think that introspection is a good thing as long as it doesn’t lead to paralysis or too much moping. I like to think that I can be honest with myself and account for the things that I’ve done right, as well as the things I’ve done wrong.

It’s hard. It’s easy to rattle off all the things you’re good at, and things that make you shine. But sitting down, and thinking about the stuff that YOU are to blame? That, my friends, is difficult.

Still, I’m going to try. I think I was wrong in not expressing my feelings. Granted, expressing my feelings can be extremely difficult. It’s not something I do often or well. Especially the negative feelings and emotions like anger, frustration, etc. Granted, I did have my reasons for not speaking up. I’m just not sure if those reasons were correct. It’s a weird mix of altruism and naivety, combined with fantasy.

I think…if I said something, then I’d have an answer one way or the other. And it was easier to fantasize about what could be and to live out that than to have to cold dose of reality shatter in my face. Granted, I didn’t want to cause pain. But at the end of the day, is that enough of a motive? Or is that an excuse or rationalization preventing me from taking necessary action? I don’t know. I have a feeling I’ll find out in the weeks and months to come.

So definitely…my fault. Was it wrong to place the sins of the many on the sins of the one? Looks, attractiveness, how one is perceived…as I mentioned before, I’m definitely at a disadvantage. All of that being said, it was wrong to place my anger at all of those people, on one person, when to be told, there was enough to be angry with him about. LOL. I know, not exactly the warmest and cuddliest thing to say, but it’s the truth!

What’s also my fault? Sacrificing my own needs and getting mad for doing so when I didn’t make my needs clear. One can’t suck and blow at the same time. People aren’t mind readers, and if I haven’t communicated what I want, then I should be mad when I don’t get it. Hoping that the unsaid is picked up isn’t fair to anyone, and it certainly doesn’t give me the right to get mad.

And that’s the thing. A lot of this got bottled up, and that’s definitely my fault as well. If things annoy me, I need to speak up. There’s no way behaviour can change if I don’t communicate what I want to happen. That’s all on me.

Hopefully, I’ll get better at this. Better at making choices where I don’t make mistakes. Granted, it’ll take work, effort and constant vigilance. But I do believe I can do it with enough drive and determination. I want to be the best person I can be.

FDR said at his inaugural address..”Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed effort to convert retreat into advance.” I think the LAST part (the part that rarely gets quoted) is the most important part. Sure, fearing fear isn’t something we have to do and it’s kind of uplifting. No, the meat of the quote is WHY fearing fear is so problematic!

It holds us back. It prevents us from going forward, and more often than not, enables us to keep on retreating and going backward. And that process doesn’t make sense. THAT’s what we need to be concerned about.

I’ll be talking more about fear in my next blog entry. But for now…time to live life with a little less fear and a little more courage.

That’s it for now!