Resiliency aka Being Tough

Greetings and salutations! I am aware that my opening sentence is tautological in nature, but for now, I’m going to keep it.

Resiliency. Per Dictionary.com…” the ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like….” It sounds like a good thing to have, both in the physical and mental spheres of one’s life. I’m resilient! I’m tough, I’m strong! I’m a man! I’ve got cojones! In short, I’ve got the ability to be tough, with all the gender expectations that it entails.

For it does entail gender expectations. Men are supposed to be tough, and not show weakness. Ever. Women are granted a bit more leeway by society, though in today’s age, women crying isn’t something that isn’t supposed to happen, especially at work.

Cast your mind back to the definition that I gave. It doesn’t mention anything about assistance or help, does it? One just has to have the ability to recover. Presumably by yourself. Asking for help is weak, being in need of help is weak, one isn’t being tough if one doesn’t recover right away. I think those thoughts, while becoming out of date, are still held by a fair number of people.

Regular readers of my blog know that generally the themes of what I write are going to be reflective of me personally. To no one’s surprise, it’s going to be true in this case as well. I see no harm in following that age-old adage, “write what you know.” I know myself very, very well. I also know politics and Shakespeare very well, so you can expect a post using one of those themes very soon.

But I digress.

I don’t like needing help. I don’t like getting help. I don’t like showing signs that I’m weak. In short, I like to be resilient. If something happens to me, I want to be able to bounce back. More importantly, I want it to SEEM like I’m bouncing back by friends, family, colleagues, etc. I wanted to put on the facade that everything was A-OK. It reminds me of the lyrics from the song, “Masquerade” from the musical “The Phantom of the Opera”.

“Masquerade, seething shadows breathing lies
Masquerade, you can fool any friend who ever knew you
Masquerade, leering satyrs, peering eyes
Masquerade, run and hide, but a face will still pursue you”

What we present to others is false, and we fool everyone.

It stands to reason that it was not ok. I was not ok. I was the opposite of resilient. I was delicate. I was weak. While some people have no issues with admitting that to themselves and others, so they can get the necessary assistance, I was not part of those people.

I floundered. I was hurt, and sad, and depressed, and needed help. Instead, I tried to pretend like everything was ok, and I was the most toughest, bad-ass, resilient person in the world. I wasn’t. Had I continued pretending, I would have broken mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I admitted that I didn’t need to pretend to myself. I admitted that time was not going to heal all wounds. Not by itself, it wasn’t. I put away my pride, my arrogance, my outdated gender norms and realized that “this” was wrong. Crying all the time was not being resilient. Thinking horrible thoughts was not being macho. Wishing harm on people wasn’t a sign of bouncing back.

Now, I want to be clear. I’m not equating being sick (mentally or physically) with being weak. What I AM saying is that refusing to admit that being sick requires help in curing what ails you because of some outmoded notion that asking for help isn’t being resilient or strong. It’s misunderstanding of what you’re going through.

For those who have been reading my blog from the beginning (and I STRONGLY suggest you do), you may be getting the sense that something went down. That there was one turning point, or seminal moment that required me to write down what I’ve been feeling. You’d be correct. Extremely correct! Some of the more empathic or relationship-minded might have even guessed what it is. For now, I’m going to keep that event secret. Oh, in time, I’ll write a blog entry about it. Until then, realize that a lot of these self-observations I’m doing is as a result of that one event. K-Day. K standing for karaoke…that’s all I’m saying for now! Maybe if you ask nicely in the comments? 😀

To sum up–if you think you’re being brave and resilient in thinking you can handle all your problems by yourself, you’re mistaken. If you think you HAVE to because you’re a guy, or you can’t show weakness, or you think you’re showing weakness by asking for help? You’re wrong. Don’t let yourself be sacrificed on the altar of stoicism and resiliency. It’s not worth it.

I mentioned Shakespeare earlier in the post. Coming up soon…a post on the quote, “To be or not to be”. If you’re not familiar with Shakespeare, it’s about suicide.

That’s it for now.