Special K

Greetings and salutations!

It’s been a while. Very busy week, very craptastic week, if I’m being honest, so here’s hoping that this short week coming up is going to be a blessing. Yay for Good Friday, in both the secular and religious spheres of thought.

Anyway, on to the meat of the post. Special K. What am I talking about? Special K can, of course, refer to the cereal made by the Kellogg Corporation. It can also refer to Ketamine, an illicit drug. Finally, it can refer to someone who is noteworthy in a positive (or negative way), whose first or last name starts with K. I knew a “Special K” when I was working for the CN Tower, and believe me, it was not for good reasons we nicknamed him that. He was special in a “he believed his **** didn’t stink” way.

Anyway…If you’ve been following along, you’ll know that a relationship issue hit me for six and I’ve been working through that with the help of a professional. I expressed my desire that I would want some kind of closure, or at least a chance to be honest with how I feel (or felt…lol) about a lot of things, fully realizing that it could be the end of everything. Though, I’m pretty sure the end of everything is already here.

So, I was asked to write a letter detailing what I would say. Not a “real” letter, one that’s edited and I’d actually send. Just a stream of consciousness to get my true feelings out into the open without the self-censorship one goes through. For the record, my blog entries are like that. I take a theme that comes into my head, sit down in front of the computer, and write. Mild editing, and then…boom, publish. So, at the very least you know that what I’m saying is coming from the authenticity of it not being overly planned or scripted.

Since I like to plan when it comes to fitting in important things, I rearranged my schedule, and decided that Saturday was going to be the day. After the gym, and before karaoke practice. Don’t get me wrong, I procrastinated. I hemmed and hawed and put this letter on the back burner of my life until I decided that it was time to get it done. “If it were done when t’is done, t’were well it were done quickly.” One of my favourite Shakespearean adages that I try to follow whenever I can.

The question that I’ve been struggling with has always been this: since I broke off our friendship due to a myriad of reasons which he may or may not know about, am I ready to actually speak to him in a normal, rational way, and have an honest discussion about what went on.

I’m at my computer desk, ready to type, with the preceding question forefront in my mind. It’s been almost 2 whole months. Feb 25, 2019 until April 14 at time of this entry. I gave him up for Lent, you might say. LOL. And I DO want to talk to him. The question of whether that’s a good idea, a bad idea, or a not yet idea has yet to be answered.

I will say this. If my therapist asked me write this letter to answer that question, she did a bang up job, because the answer is NO or Not yet. As I wrote the letter, I realized that I’m still very angry. Very angry. And I’m not sure if that all that anger should be directed at him. I’m still also sad and hurt. Not as sad and hurt as I was before. I mean, anyone reading these entries can see that hopefully I’ve made some progress. But angry. I was surprised that anger is still the strongest emotion.

It’s kind of lurking there, simmering in my soul. How angry I am at him, at me, at what he represents, what he did, what he didn’t do, etc., etc., etc., So I guess the question is…how do I get rid of that anger? Do I let it dissipate?Will it clear up on it’s own? Will some of it be transferred to me–where it belongs? Should I be more angry at myself for my mistakes and foolishness and not saying what I wanted and for letting the things transpire in the way that they did? And what do I need to angry about with my actions, and what is…just being human with a heart and soul? But the hurt, the anger, and the rage is still there.

So what to do? Closure? Say my piece and move on, confident that I’ve been honest? Or am I hoping for a last chance for him to realize the mistake I think he’s making. If so, that’s a problem. A very BIG problem. If that is the reason, and I get rejected once again, I have to deal with it better than I’m dealing with the hurt and the pain now.

I don’t like admitting that I have a lot of emotions. I think they make you weak and I’d prefer to bottle them up. However, that hasn’t served me in good stead, so perhaps it’s better to learn from them.

In the future, we’ll see what happens and how I work through these feelings and thoughts…I’m looking forward to it as self-discovery is important to me–as well as being healed.

Oh, I almost forgot! I’m not one for giving titles to my blog entries without tying it to the subject of the post. We’ll be using Special K as the code name for the source of my recent troubles from now on. So in future…when I refer to him? Special K. Sierra Kilo. He who must not be named…oh wait, already taken. LOL.

That’s all for now!