Forgiveness and Second Guessing

Greetings and salutations.

Hey, hope y’all had a happy Easter. Anyway, on to the meat of the post.

As most of you know, I’ve had a rough go with an interpersonal/friendship/relationship crisis which has lead me to cut off contact for almost two months now while I figure out my feelings, and how to deal with them without causing any more emotional and mental damage. Yes, we’re talking about Special K.

One of the problems with therapy is that if you’re doing it right, you’re taking the insights you’re learning and applying them to real-life situations so that you don’t make the same mistakes. The problem is that sometimes there is a lot of second guessing. One wonders if the actions you are undertaking are good, bad, or indifferent. Granted, provided that you make the right decision, everything is fine, but getting there can be a chore since you’re never quite completely sure about some of the decisions one wants to make.

Therapy is science. Religion is spiritual. This is where my conflict arises. As a spiritual or religious person, I was taught to forgive. In forgiving, I would (in theory) be letting off the bitterness and hate that I have. And the hurt.

Nixon said it the best when he opined that “people may hate you, but they don’t win unless you hate them back. And then you’ve destroyed yourself.”

So, here’s the dilemma. I’d love to send an email to Special K, and get some stuff off my chest. In light of the epiphany I received from my therapist last week, ( Tales from the couch: Part 4), I think I’m much better able to handle what may result. I agree, it will be worse than I’m thinking. And better in some ways. I could be faced with a barrage of anger. A barrage of hate, or worse, cold dismissal. I could be told that the friendship is over. I could find out that I’ve been replaced and he doesn’t need me any more.

It could also be a knock down, drag-out fight where we descend into the base nature of our personalities, each of us tell the other what we did wrong.

Anyway…correction. After talking with a good friend of mine, I’ve determined that an e-mail isn’t going to be sufficient. It’s going to have to be one-to-one, face-to-face, in person conversation.

Frankly, I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. A friend of mine asked why go through all of this. I gave him a long answer, but shortened down? It’s never too late to do the right thing. It’s never too late to do what should have been done earlier.

I’m dreading this. Absolutely petrified. Face to face talks aren’t my strong suit. But now is better than later, and later is better than never. I’m sure I’ve hurt him. And I will deal with those consequences.