Tales From The Couch: Part 5

Greetings and salutations.

This was a contentious session. Normally I pretty much agree with my therapist and follow her suggestions because they reveal something that I haven’t seen in my life or circumstances, but can see it when it’s pointed out to me.

The reason why this session was contentious was because she pointed out something that I did not see, and more germane, could not see. And believe me, I tried. I tried HARD. It’s frustrating when someone mentions or states a fact that they genuinely believe to be true, and you can’t accept or deal with it. Basically it means taking the lessons learned from this session will be harder if not impossible because we disagree on what lessons there are. Of course, thinking about what was said is something I can always do, and that’s what I’ll do for this week.

Anyway…from the beginning. We talked about work, and how that resolved itself to a situation that would have to suffice for the time being. It wasn’t the greatest situation, but it was one that was acceptable enough, based on the possible solution and the financial resources needed to effect what I thought was a perfect solution.

So, those of you who have been following my blog are aware of Special K. I don’t want to re-invent the wheel or rehash everything as it’s been explained to death in other entries. This post is about what I’m going to take from our conversation.

I expressed my desire to have a conversation after several months with Sierra Kilo and to gauge her reaction and to see if that was a good idea in terms of my healing, and mental health. Basically, I needed a sounding board.

We discussed why I wanted to have this conversation. She suggested that I believed that there was still a core belief that I thought we could be together. I demurred and replied that I didn’t think that was the case. I informed her that I was hoping that our friendship could be reset to a point where it was healthy, before everything went bad. Friendships are hard to come by, and I did appreciate our friendship.

This was the main point of contention–how badly I had been treated. My therapist, and I’m paraphrasing here, said I was treated like shite by Sierra Kilo. I agreed to a point, and disagreed mightily. While I concede that we had treated each other in a less than ideal way, my therapist seemed to think that the offense was far greater on his part than mine. Try as I might, I couldn’t see it, or accept it. We discussed reasons why that might be the case. In short, she believes that if I believe that I WASN’T treated like crap, then I can maintain the fantasy, buried deep into my mind, that somehow we could still end up together, and be friends.

Yeah.

As a theory goes, it makes PERFECT sense. My problem is that the foundation of the theory is something I still can’t wrap my head around–that I was treated like shite and because of that, I owe SK absolutely nothing. No apology, and that a friendship would not be good for me. Telling him and trying to be friends would be slipping into negative behaviour instead of moving into positive behaviour. She suggested that I owed him nothing, and that speaking to him wasn’t something that I should do.

Yeah. (But wait).

In my defence, I listed the reasons why I wanted to have this potentially last conversation–desire to hurt, express my anger, closure, and to get questions answered (possibly). I expressed my concern that this was hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles. That is…as long as this was unresolved, I’d never really get past it. Oh, I mean, I would, but it would take longer than it needed to be, and having an answer one way or the other would help. I’d either 1) have no friendship and be able to move on or 2) We’d have a friendship, with parameters redrawn. If that were the case, it would be easier to concede the whole point have having some faint hope and fight against it.

So, after a lot of back and forth–and seeing the passion, or maybe letting make my own mistakes and dealing with them, or maybe accepting my heartfelt view that I do need some kind of closure if it’s going to end and if I’m to move on…she did concede that perhaps it was better to open a dialogue.

Yeah.

But that was just the opening. We discussed why I wanted to have this conversation, but we also discussed WHAT I wanted to discuss. Oy gevalt. That actually went fairly smoothly only because I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to discuss, and in which forum (person, message, e-mail).

All in all, there was a lot of material to think about.

In the accounting business, when the books are clean and the auditors find nothing wrong based on what they’ve examined, they issue an “unqualified opinion”. That is, everything is peachy-keen and there’s nothing to worry about. This is THE BEST kind of report a business can have. When it came to my wishes to initiate a conversation, this is NOT what I got. LOL.

What I got was a qualified opinion. Namely…things are ok, BUT there’s something that is worrying and the auditors can’t completely sign off on the books. Oh, it’s kind of ok…but there are worries that are present which are mentioned.

Still…it’s better than an adverse opinion where one would be specifically told not to do it with no wriggle room whatsoever.

Anyway…I’ll keep you posted.

That’s all for now!!!