Like a Vampire, it just refuses to die! Tales From The Couch: Part 6

Greetings and salutations! I took a break to think about things and enjoy my freedom from every that was going on, but like a vampire that refuses to die, things keep on popping up that I thought were dead, dead, DEAD. LOL.

So. To recap. Some of you might have read my previous posts where I was celebrating the end of a saga, that had sucked the life out of me for the last two months or so. I believe that I may have used terms like “time to ring down the curtain”, etc.

WELL. The saying “never say never!” popped into my mind. When we last spoke, gentle readers, I was CERTAIN that I would never get a response from SK. At least I thought that in my head. In fact, I wrote…” So…for now, the saga is over. I don’t really expect a response from him, and even if I got one, I’d probably sit on it for a while until my feelings settle down. For all intents and purposes, this 2 year chapter, and 2 month break will transition into something permanent. “

Guess who got a response? LOL. Yeah. But did I read it? Nope. Well, not yet.

So, we talked about this today. I learned that it’s ok to take baby steps and that some progress is better than none. I learned that my therapist has a pretty good bead on me and my thoughts. We discussed a lot of things–was it a sign of cowardice not to read it, or a sign of making mature decisions to be happy? We discussed whether or not I was emotionally prepared to read something that would be considered hurtful. We discussed having a support system in place for when I do decide to read it. And we discussed my “what if” tendencies which makes it a good idea to read it, and get it over with…in time.

We also discussed that I still have a lot of RAGE, and that I’m slowly coming around to the awful way I was treated like shite, and why I let it happen. Because I WAS treated like absolute crap. Just because one may allow someone to treat you like crap does NOT absolve that person from their actions when they do so. I’m learning that now. I’m learning that you don’t let go of who you are even if you have high emotions for someone. I’m learning that there is a level of behaviour I’m entitled to demand even if the people I’m demanding it from are going through an absolute shiteshow.

I think the most important thing that transpired is that we talked about if the e-mail would bother me just sitting there, waiting to be read, slowly sucking the joy I just regained out of my life. I think that with what I know now, it’ll be harder for that to occur. I LIKE being happy and maintaining some closure, and want to keep it that way. Am I afraid of getting hurt by cruel and harsh words? Definitely. Do I want to avoid that? Of course. Is it right to prioritize my feelings and emotional stability without judging myself as a coward? Damn tootin’!

Winston Churchill said, “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” I couldn’t agree more. Hopefully we’ll be seeing the end of this saga soon. (again).

That’s all for now!!!