Rage!!

Greetings and salutations!

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve been thinking. Rage, anger, etc. It is a required and necessary emotion, and yet, if taken too far, can cause a lot of damage to oneself and personal relationships with loved ones, family, etc.

The reason I’m writing this is not because I have too much rage, but I have too little of it. With most things in life, being at one extreme or the other is not a good thing. A healthy medium is what is strived for.

I have trouble expressing my anger, and I am working on it, but there’s one area of my life where it’s problematic. It’s a huge mental block, and that’s with SK.

Had a good lunch with a friend of mine where we discussed a whole bunch of stuff. It was a chance to talk, chat, laugh, and “complain” about the various problems in our lives. Mine is SK, as regular readers know.

She’s a VERY good friend, so she knows EVERYTHING. LOL. Makes it real easy to talk about the stuff that’s going on in my life. Here’s the thing–she saw “The E-mail”, I sent to SK, and she expressed surprise/wonderment/amazement that I didn’t go “scorched earth” on him. She knows me, and she knows that when I choose to, I can be absolutely vicious and scathing in my temper.

She made me think–why didn’t I go scorched earth on him? Am I holding something back? Am I not seeing the full extent of how he treated me? Do I still maintain some unhealthy fantasies? WHAT?!?! Why is that anger, nay, rage, as my therapist says, still percolating under the surface? I’ve been trying to figure it out, and for the life of me, I can’t come to a definitive answer!

So, my friend and I were continuing our conversation and we came to the response to my e-mail and how I haven’t read it yet. We were both really surprised at the relative speed in which he got back to me, considering that everything, and I mean, everything he does has to be thought out forever to infinity and beyond. My friend said that perhaps he thought you were going to be a pushover, and easy to hold off. Once again, my friend made a good point–she said that maybe it’s a good thing you’re not reading that response yet…cause you could get angry at what you read. REALLY ANGRY. In her words, there could be some rage just bubbling underneath the surface like Mt. Vesuvius! And this is the kicker of her wise words…”No one knew Vesuvius was going to blow until…boom.”

That got me thinking…

What would happen if I got truly and righteously angry. Filled with rage, as it were. What would happen if I went full scorched earth and exploded?What would it look like if I went biblical in my anger? What would I say? How would I justify it? What if I unleashed a torrent of invective on SK? Bearing in mind that what I’m saying is not based in what may actually happened, or if it’s actually a fair assessment.

“I hate you. I hate the fact that that you didn’t give me a chance, considering all the shit you were going through and your previously lousy record at choosing guys, especially when choosing guys for their looks, and not taking anything else into account worked out so well for you. Same life goals? Check. Willing to take care of you when you needed it? Check. The ability to make you happy and give you space? Check. Relatively emotionally grounded? Check. Not a substance abuser of any kind? Check. Knows your hopes and fears and can talk about almost anything? Check. Fully shares your views on monogamy? A desire to learn and grow mentally, emotionally and intellectually? Check, check, check. Someone I could talk to, who was smart, intelligent, and open? Someone who was gainfully employed? Check. Physically attractive? NO checkmark, so your decision to ignore all of the above makes PERFECT sense. I’m not saying I deserved to be in a relationship with you, or that I had an inherent right to be, but FFS, it would have been nice to have been considered?! If this were a job and I were an applicant, my resume would have been put into the ” let’s take another look at this person”

I despise the fact that you KNEW that I had feelings for you and you chose the easy way out, despite us being friends. You used and abused my friendship, because you needed something to get you through crap, even though in doing so, you put me in position where I was bound to be incredibly, deeply hurt. Friends don’t do that to each other. They talk, they head things off at the pass, clear the air. Granted I didn’t tell you how I felt, but at LEAST my motives were designed to keep stuff off of your plate and not put you through anymore grief. Your motives on the other hand, were pure selfishness, plain and simple, and there’s nothing you can do or say to pretend otherwise.

I hate the fact that I let you into my life and shared all the stuff I shared. I hate the fact that I was never as a big a part of your life as you were in mine. And I hate the fact that I LET you treat me like shit, and walk all over me. I fully concede that’s on me, but it’s also on you, because people with decency, a moral and ethical center don’t do that. Were you stressed? Of course, but when I’M stressed, it’s easier to default to WHO I AM AT MY CORE, not harder. So that tells me something about you.

I’m angry that you always take the easy way out as I’m just someone you could toss aside based on our previous interactions. If I didn’t email you, when would you have tried to contact me? 3 months? 4 months? You knew I was angry, you knew that I had some issues with you, and instead of confronting them, dealing with them, coming at them like a mature person or a functioning adult, your first instinct to to withdraw and be silent? Settle for half measures? And when I contacted you initially, did you welcome the chance to talk? Oh, of course not…it wasn’t convenient for you. You weren’t in a good place. Well, you know what, I WASN’T in a good place either! Life is HARD. Friendships are HARD. Any kind of relationship is hard. And it takes work. You’ve never done the work. You’ve never done the heavy lifting. You’ve never done anything in our friendship that was altruistic in the sense that it only benefited ME. And yet, I made the effort because that’s what friends did. I did the work, and have been continuing to do the work. No wonder my therapist says I owe you jack-shit. No wonder she says I’ve been treated badly because I’ve finally realized exactly how badly you’ve treated me. At the end of the day, when push came to shove, jack-shite is EXACTLY what you’ve given me whenever I wanted or needed something more from our FRIENDSHIP.

So yeah. I’m done. I’m done caring about you, caring about what’s going on in your life, caring about how I should end things. You are not worth my friendship. You are not worth what I can provide to someone who cares, understands and you are definitely not worth the emotional energy that I expend on you. It’s time for you (speaking to myself) to evict you out of my life. It’s time to change “expend” to “expended”.

I’m done with all of this, and frankly, you can go to hell.”

Wow. Now here’s the question I have to ask myself. I wrote this as an exercise, as a piece of fiction. How much of this subconsciously do I truly believe and how much is “an exercise”?? The fact that continued to add and edit this “angry letter” after I wrote it is either a bad sign, or a very good sign. I’ve been deluding myself at how “not angry” I’ve been at SK.

That’s all for now.