Tales From the Couch: Part 6- Unwelcome insights

Greetings and salutations.

Another difficult session, but with more insights that I’m going to have to take in order to get better.

So, we talked about the angry letter that I wrote, and my disconnect between the tone and how I felt about SK, and why I was having difficulty seeing it! My therapist asked me how I felt; not about SK and everything that he did, but how I felt about myself being taken advantage of? How did I feel, or what must have I been feeling to be in a relationship that was damaging and filled with self-hate at tolerating the situation for such a long time?

The anger is there, buried deep inside me. The “angry email” I wrote proves that exists. And there’s definitely stuff to be angry at SK for. Again, he treated me like complete and total shite. But. I’m also angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I’m angry at myself for letting myself be played for a fool, and being used in the manner that I was used. I’m disappointed, ashamed, and a whole host of negative feelings. However, I can’t admit that, or am having problems admitting that. Because of that the refusal to admit that to myself, and deal with it, ALL of the anger is being blocked and repressed. Maybe I hate myself. I hate myself for who I became.

Harsh. It does make sense, and I’m working through it now that I have a theory as to why things are blocked. The therapist did say that writing the angry e-mail was a good idea. It helped clarify issues, and at the very least, identified that some of the anger is there, even though it seems disjointed and an out of body experience.

There was a section in the angry e-mail…. I hate the fact that I let you into my life and shared all the stuff I shared. I hate the fact that I was never as a big a part of your life as you were in mine. And I hate the fact that I LET you treat me like shit, and walk all over me. I fully concede that’s on me, but it’s also on you, because people with decency, a moral and ethical center don’t do that. Were you stressed? Of course, but when I’M stressed, it’s easier to default to WHO I AM AT MY CORE, not harder. So that tells me something about you. ” THIS part. I glossed over it, I skipped by it in my attack towards SK. My therapist hasn’t steered me wrong. So, if that’s the case–THIS is what I need to develop and understand. Why did I let him do this to me. Why didn’t I say anything. Where was my sense of ethics, and morals, and drive not to let this happen to me? Where was my vaunted independence? Why wasn’t I strong enough to insist on wanting the best for me, and make the hard decisions.

As I told my therapist, I KNEW this was going to end badly. I knew it, and still I did nothing! Why was I in a position where the fantasy was easier to maintain than reality, even though I know the fantasy was going to fall apart?

We’re going to talk about some of these issues in future sessions. Grief is a long process to deal with, and we’re also going to delve more into me as opposed to my relationship with SK. I guess it explains why I’m so sad after this session—I’m facing some incredibly hard and difficult truths that I need to deal with, but am having trouble with. It’s brought up a lot of negative feelings and emotions, and self doubt about things that I’ve taken to be gospel.

Usually I can crank out “From the couch” entries quickly and smoothly.This by far, has been the most difficult one to publish because even just talking about it brings me closer to a reality that even my subconscious doesn’t want to deal with.

That being said…it has to be dealt with in order to heal. So it’s going to take some work, and some change in how I think. And there’s still that e-mail sitting in my SK folder, waiting to be read. I’ll be honest–I was afraid to read it–afraid of the negative emotions, negative feelings, and harsh, cruel words that are most likely contained in it. Afraid of suffering an emotional tidal wave that would swamp over me and drown me. Writing my angry e-mail caused most of those feelings to dissipate. It was like, “Even if he’s cruel, I’ve got the means and capability not just to sit there and take it, but respond in kind.”

That’s all for now.