It’s Over. AGAIN.

Greetings and salutations!! I’m such a hot mess of contradictions today and was the same yesterday. Emotions and feelings all running rampant, and logic and passion trying to keep everything in check. UGH. It’s exhausting

UGH. That’s how I feel, and I’m sticking with it. So, if you’ve read through my blog, you will be aware of the unending saga that SK has taken up residence in my psyche.

And even though I did mention once before that this saga was coming to a close, I think I can say that again with some degree of finality…this time.

Despite knowing better I was still friends with him on FB. I know, it was stupid, and I really should have removed him a long while ago for my own sanity and mental health. But I didn’t. So, I was surprised to find out that he did. Now, granted, I checked early in the morning, and there was always a possibility that I was tired, and mistaken at what I saw. Or that FB had kind of glitch. Or more likely, perhaps it was a rationalization to change reality into a fantasy that I was more accepting of. Frankly, I’m going with Door Number 3! Thanks Ms. Therapist! I wouldn’t have even considered that 2 months ago. Now, I’m not one for half measures…so when I saw that, I removed him from Instagram, blocked him from FB messenger as well. What one does, I guess.

So, it did throw me for a loop. But then again, I don’t think it should have, to be completely honest. While I’ve always expressed hope that my friendship with him could be reworked, my actions to date have shown the exact opposite viewpoint. Savaging him in my blog, and yes, I’m SURE he’s checked…or not. Alas, I can’t tell who looks from FB. And as I’ve gotten more fractious about the entire situation, I’ve been deliberately provocative. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t expect that SK would deign to read the stuff I write or post. He’s not that type of person. Frankly, I don’t know any more.

See, this is the thing…this is the most petty, salty thing I’ve done…but therapeutic at the same time. I love karaoke. LOVE it, and we had decided that he should sing this Adele song, “When we were young”. It’s a hard song, and I was teaching him and giving him pointers. Well, I announced to the FB world that I was going to sing it. To me, it signified me moving past our friendship, and the acceptance that we would NEVER sing that, or anything together ever again. It signified a finality, because I would never do that if there was a chance. It’d be considered rude and in bad form.

All of that being said, it could be seen as being deliberately provocative. But really? In my heart of hearts I know it was never going to happen. “WE” were never going to happen in any way shape, or form, despite my low-grade wish that things could be reframed. That was a fantasy, and thanks to Ms. Therapist for pointing that out too. But dammit, it was like all my feelings I kept bottled up had to be let loose, and I didn’t care who knew it, or if he knew it. Was it a passive aggressive way of dealing with my anger and rage toward him? *wow, that just came to me as a I writing this*. Oh definitely.

I am the king of What Ifs. What if this happened, what if that happened, etc. I mention that, because those of you who are regular followers are aware that I sent an e-mail, and got one back–one which I didn’t feel comfortable reading because of the possible mean, nasty and ugly things that might have been said. Granted, my therapist agreed that not reading right away was the correct option for me based on where I was.

So, that’s still there. But not for long. It will be read May 29th. I was going over all of these weird plans, etc, trains of thoughts…but then I realized the maxim that doctors use when diagnosing symptoms: when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. So instead of fantasizing (there’s that word again), that it was a missive of kindness, forgiveness and understanding, and that I did something between then and now to ruin things permanently, I should maybe go with what is more likely to be what went down. Namely, it was a message hurling a lot of negative things at me, and that, in combination with my blog and FB posts, caused the irreconcilable relationship to fracture and fracture HARD. Again, I’m going with the latter door, Door Number 2.

At the end of the day…I’m positive this time! Like, really, for sure, that this is the end. And if it’s not? We’ll deal with that when/if the time comes.

But this is why I write. Not just because I think I’m a decent writer, but because it helps me collect my thoughts, and calm me down, and think things through in a logical manner. At the end of the day, I write for me, and no one else.

And I am sad. Don’t get me wrong. There’ll always be a part of me that misses the good times that we had, and that’s part of the jumble of emotions I’m feeling as well. I think though, we (my friends, therapist, and I), need to cut through the dross and get to the heart of things, and finally put this behind me.Or at least get most of it behind me.

There’s a time for mourning, and I think, and I hope that I can get past it. As Sondheim wrote in one of his songs,

“Could I live through the pain
On a terrace in Spain?
Would it pass?
It would pass
Could I bury my rage with a boy half your age
In the grass?
Bet your ass ”

~Could I Leave You~ Sondheim

All I’m saying is that I do want to start LIVING my life more fully and alive, and with a bit more joy. I don’t think I’m going to get joy thinking of SK.

Anyway…stay tuned for the next installment of this saga. That’s all for now.