Tales From the Couch: Part 7

Greetings and salutations!

Another difficult session with a lot of uncomfortable truths and theories that I need to confront and dive into.

It’s hard to know where to begin, so I’ll choose a spot and let it flow organically from there.

Fear. I think that’s a huge thing with me. Fear of getting hurt, fear of feeling more pain about everything. I’m used to physical pain due to a chronic pain condition that I have. So, I deal with it so I can function in life. I have to be able to deal with it. The problem is that in my emotional and physical relationships, I’m so used to dealing with the physical pain, I block myself out from feeling any other kind of pain–with negative consequences to myself because I’m not being open, honest, and truthful. All of those things are NECESSARY to be able to have healthy relationships, but all of things can also be painful, and cause pain–the reaction to those things can cause emotional pain. And I don’t want that, even when it’s a necessary byproduct of having healthy, well-balanced relationships.

And when forced to be honest with myself and possibly deal with pain, or not be honest with myself and tolerate the pain, I go with the latter. And that’s not acceptable, and leads to ugly, harsh, fantasies that are sustained without any basis. Like the whole thing with SK.

Speaking of which, I did read the e-mail. FINALLY. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Again…that fear of fear. Fear of pain, and being hurt. It’s like I have these shields up, preventing me from feeling, or doing anything that could possibly hurt me. A facade if you will. I will detail more of what was in the email in another post,as this is more concerned with how my therapist sees things.

But I did learn, in regards to the email, and SK’s behaviour, that I AM responsible for my own behaviour and can’t be responsible for the behaviour of others, or expect others to behave in a way that I would like.

It was a very confusing session, I thought, and I will ask her questions when I see her. Like…yes, I’m angry at him, but should I be? Should I be more angry at myself? Do I have a right to be as angry as I am with him, or not? Or do I still need to be angry with myself about how I handled things?

There was a lot of ugly crying, and confusion on my part. We talked about some of my previous relationships, etc, and I have a feeling we’ll be going into more of that in later sessions.

Confusing, perplexed, and cathartic. Definitely more questions than answers this session, but she did say to bring my thoughts to our next session. As for the e-mail, and how I PERSONALLY reacted, and where I go from here now that I’ve read the email from SK and the things that transpired on that front…that will be the next post. So look for it!!

That’s all for now.