Grace And Fear

Greetings and salutations!!!

Well, let’s get down to brass tacks. I promised that I’d write about the e-mail that I took forever to read from SK. So here goes.

But first a bit of background. I think we imprint the behaviour we are guilty of onto others. Partially as a defence mechanism, and partially because it’s really easy to do.

I think that everything had happened to me, except the situation was reversed, and I was playing the part of SK, I would have reacted very badly. So, naturally, I thought that the same behaviour I would have exhibited would be exhibited by him.

I was wrong.

The e-mail message that I received showed a surprising amount of grace, and understanding, couched with things that I still definitely needed to hear. And for that I’m thankful.

I don’t know why I was so afraid. Well, I do. No one wants to be hurt over and over and over again. There’s only so much one can take, especially when one is in vulnerable state. My friend suggests that it was a defence mechanism. Assume the worst, so one can be relieved when the worst doesn’t happen. And to me, that makes sense. Lots of sense.

This is the thing. And it sucks, but, my goal is still to heal myself, and increase my resiliency to the point that I can function better and make correct life choices so I’m at my peak: emotionally, mentally and physically. Given that my therapist has repeatedly insisted that it’s ok to care about me and only me, and that it’s ok to want things, and demand things–the downside is that in caring about my healing, I’ve had to take the steps of not caring about other people, and the damage that my wants and needs may cause them. I’m not out to deliberately hurt people, that would be cruel, and I’d like to think that cruelty isn’t part of who I am. But it does mean that the “collateral damage” has to be allowed to occur.

Now, before I lead you to believe that everything was sweetness and light, it was not. There was some things that I disagreed with mightily. But that’s in the past, and I didn’t feel the need to go into it. I will say this for any readers that I have. Should you think that someone has a major crush on you, for the love of God and all that is sacred and holy, sit them down and have a long, uncomfortable conversation with them. Trust me, you’ll be doing them a huge favour (and yourself), even if you don’t realize it at the time. Even if you BOTH don’t realize it at the time.

Am I still angry? Hmmmmm…yes, but not as much at SK. The thing with therapy is that you learn new insights about why you feel the way you do and IF the reasons make sense, are the real reasons, etc. Regulars know that I wrote an inflammatory e-mail as an exercise to see how I was feeling. It was BRUTAL. It was also unfair, and did a disservice to me because the anger that I’m feeling should be directed at myself.

Most of you know that I like to write, and writing helps clear my head. So while I haven’t sent it yet, I did compose a response that I’m having my friend go over. Bestie. We’ll call her “M”, like the boss of James Bond. She’s that fierce and brave by the way, and just as smart. I value her mightily.

I was thinking of the response and what my “goal” was. What was my purpose. I think the simplest thing to say is this. When SK and I were talking, he said that, “I couldn’t imagine a situation where we weren’t good.” Of course, there was this ticking time bomb that I KNEW was lurking, but refused to defuse. He’s going through a lot. A LOT. Simply put? I hope that we can still be friends after all of the crap we’ve gone through. It may not happen. Maybe 50/50 chance, being honest, probably worst odds?

This is the thing with me. Permit me to wax poetic just a bit. While I may not be the most positive person, I don’t like bad odds ruining my mind game or psyching me out. I like to think that things will work out and that selling oneself short isn’t something on can or should do. Robert Browning said it best…”A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” Namely, one must always have goals that one can’t reach right yet.

Another of my favourite sayings is “Per aspera ad astra” Through hardships to the stars. Self-explanatory, I think.

While I do have to do a better job between goals that are realistic, and pure fantasy, there are also goals that are the product of hard work, effort, and making the time to improve it.

I think, possibly, this friendship is one of those goals. I don’t know, and only time will tell. But I’ll definitely keep an open mind about it, while being at peace if it doesn’t succeed knowing that I’ve tried my best.

That’s all for now.