Delayed Reactions

As it’s Pride Month…heyyyyyyyyyyy. LOL.

So as most of you know, I got a response from SK, and have written a response in reply–which I haven’t sent yet. I wasn’t sure what the point or the purpose was, and I like to have time for feelings and emotions to settle–kind of like a casserole–everything melds and is better for it.

“Now, before I lead you to believe that everything was sweetness and light, it was not. There was some things that I disagreed with mightily. But that’s in the past, and I didn’t feel the need to go into it. I will say this for any readers that I have. Should you think that someone has a major crush on you, for the love of God and all that is sacred and holy, sit them down and have a long, uncomfortable conversation with them. Trust me, you’ll be doing them a huge favour (and yourself), even if you don’t realize it at the time. Even if you BOTH don’t realize it at the time. “

When I wrote the above, my feelings weren’t settled. And for the most part, I kept my word and didn’t go into it. There’s no point, really. That being said, I have to admit that the longer I thought about it, the more I disagreed with my fairly neutral stance, and decided that I do, at the very least, need to vent about some stuff. And you, gentle readers are the ones who get to listen to all of it. SK is going to get a brief summation.

This is the thing which I never understood. He knew. He knew about how I felt, and said nothing. And we had talked about a LOT of things. Deeply personal, private, confidential things. Emotional, intimate things. We bared our souls to each other on a regular basis. So, I guess the question I wonder about, and will wonder about is why were his suspicions not worth bringing up in conversation? Granted, there were issues going on his life, but it still didn’t prevent us from talking about the deepest of topics concerning everything else.

This is how I phrased it…”Let me preface this by saying that I know I can’t control people and what they do. And also let me add that as I alluded to, I can’t really know how your life circumstances affect you. I now know that you knew of my feelings that I had had toward you. But I also knew that we could talk about anything, and that the depth, intimacy and length of some our conversations were a hallmark of our friendship. We discussed so many difficult, and private things. I just wish we had this conversation earlier. I’m regretful that this whole episode came out in what has to be the worst way possible. And yes, that’s on me, 100%. However, I will never know…never truly know why this particular subject matter, out of everything we talked about, and we talked about a lot of things, was beyond the scope of initiating a conversation at your end. However, we are different people, with different approaches, triggers and life circumstances. And even if I may not agree with your reasons, accepting that is something I’m perfectly able to do.

Then I realized…that for better of worse, that’s SK. Avoiding the hard topics, avoiding conflict, avoiding emotional issues, avoiding the hard stuff, and letting others do the heavy lifting. Well, not for better, definitely for worse. And I realized that between the two of us, it was always me who made the tough moves, who challenged the status quo, who brought up the problems in our friendship. It was always me. Always. So, to expect that something would be different in this particular case was me dreaming in technicolour, and only setting me up for more disappointment. I also wondered how he thought this was going to end? I mean, given my personality, it was almost a given that I was going to say something first, and that most likely, it would come out horribly. As it did.

At the end of the day, I cared too much, and sacrificed too much of myself for someone who wasn’t willing and able to do that for me. I will remember this, if only so it doesn’t happen again.

He is what he is. And that’s not going to change. It’s profoundly disappointing, and I’m not sure that I can respect someone like that–someone who shys away from conflict, and is cowardly in dealing with the problems that come up in any kind of interpersonal relationship.

Now, I’m not a hypocrite…I fully admitted to my wrongdoing as well, and have vowed to change the reasons for that.

Anyway…that’s the expanded version. Just had to get it off my chest. Will he ever read this? I doubt it. But this blog isn’t about his healing, it’s about mine.

That’s all for now.