Tales From The Couch: Part 9

Greetings and salutations!!

Momentous week from the couch last week. I learned…it’s ok not to feel guilty and it’s ok to concentrate on the positive steps I’ve taken in moving forward. I know, it sounds very un-momentous when I type it, but hear me out.

For the longest time, I’ve felt guilt over how I ended things with SK. Felt it should have gone smoother, felt guilty about burdening him with all of this stuff given the things he’s going trough, and generally being sad at how I handled my confession and how it all went down.

However, what I realized and learned was to focus not on the how, but on the what. Focus on the positive instead of the negative, and my accomplishments.

I was in a bad spot, a bad fantasy, a dysfunctional friendship, almost toxic, and I ended it.

I did what I needed to do in order to heal and become resilient and that IS FINE.

Sure it may have been messy and difficult to navigate, and been a complete and total trainwreck–but when all the dust has settled, I am standing. And THAT is what I need to be focused on, not feeling guilty about what happened to get there there and the collateral damage that may happened.

I also realized that based on the personalities of myself and SK, me ending it was the only way it was going to be ended. See my previous blog post for more on that. Getting mad or experiencing anger towards SK would be like being angry that water is wet. It’s who he is, and there was nothing I could do to control that.

I will no longer feel guilty for doing things, saying things, or acting on things to protect myself, even if those actions are not smooth, not comfortable, not neat, and not tidy, especially if all of the above are done to protect me and advance my well-being.

This is what I wrote before my session…

“Let me preface this by saying that I know I can’t control people and what they do. And also let me add that as I alluded to, I can’t really know how your life circumstances affect you. I now know that you knew of my feelings that I had had toward you. But I also knew that we could talk about anything, and that the depth, intimacy and length of some our conversations were a hallmark of our friendship. We discussed so many difficult, and private things. I just wish we had this conversation earlier. I’m regretful that this whole episode came out in what has to be the worst way possible. And yes, that’s on me, 100%. However, I will never know…never truly know why this particular subject matter, out of everything we talked about, and we talked about a lot of things, was beyond the scope of initiating a conversation at your end. However, we are different people, with different approaches, triggers and life circumstances. And even if I may not agree with your reasons, accepting that is something I’m perfectly able to do.

Which is fine…but mild, and not as strong as would have liked. This is what I wrote after the session.

Let me preface this by saying that know I can’t control people and what they do. Also let me add that as I alluded to, I can’t really know first-hand what your issues do to you. I now know that you were aware of my feelings that I had had toward you. But I also knew that we could talk about anything, and that the depth, intimacy and length of some of our conversations were hallmarks of our friendship. We had discussed so many difficult and private things. I just wish that we had this conversation earlier. When I said that I wanted you to tell me if I did or said anything wrong in the context of our friendship…I meant it. (and yes, I’m going to get back to this).

That being said, I’m glad I expressed my feelings and I’m glad everything came out. It’s taken me a while to get to this point. I was regretful at how this conversation came about. It was messy, unplanned, came from a place of anger, sadness and a lack of control…everything I hate.  But I have to be honest, I’m not regretful that the air is clear. I’m not regretful that the truth came out. I’m no longer feeling guilty at how much of a train wreck this was and the damage it’s caused, and I can definitely say that I’ve accepted the outcome and reality of the situation. If there is one thing that this has taught me is that I need a romantic partner who can challenge, confront and be forthright with me since I’m genuinely oblivious to things, especially concerning stuff in the emotional realm.

Despite the emotional pain that I endured, I can be confident that at the end of the day, I did what was right for me to improve and heal myself. Faced with a situation where I was in a dysfunctional friendship dynamic based on a complete and total fantasy, I did the only thing I could do, and the only thing that had to be done by at least one of us. I stopped it in an act of self-preservation. And I’m good with that. I wasn’t good with that for the longest time. I blamed myself, and I was angry at you. I don’t blame myself as much now…I got to where I needed to be eventually, which I think is what counts, and am taking steps to prevent it from happening again.   

Let me be blunt though…given our respective natures, personalities, differences, etcetera, there was absolutely NO way that this conversation would have been instigated at your end, (at least not at a point where I would have suffered less emotional harm) even during the best of circumstances, and certainly not under the circumstances you have been dealing with now.  After all, we did share a lot with each other over the last two years, and it was only my emotional feelings that caused me to forget that fact. It’s why I repeatedly asked you to tell me if I was doing something wrong within the context of our friendship…because of the fear that you wouldn’t. Blaming you or getting angry at you for not saying anything would be akin to blaming water for being wet.  We are who we are, and while I’m not necessarily gunning for conflict, when push comes to shove, there will be only so much I can take without saying something, or bringing it out into the open. It might be fatalistic to say, but this entire situation, based on who we are, was only going to end in one way: I would crack, get fed up, and say something first.  Definitely not as soon as I should have in a way that would have been good for me, but to think otherwise, was incredibly naïve on my end, and made me realize in clear and stark terms that the anger I had was wasted and counterproductive, and frankly, has given me some measure of peace.

That’s all for now.