Pain

Greetings and salutations!!!

So, I was asked to write about my pain-my physical pain, and how it affects me. From when it first started until now. So, here it is, for my readers’ perusal.

It may seem like I’m talking about my disease..but my disease is my pain.

It was very insidious at first, to the point that I didn’t really feel anything. I started to limp a little bit, feel a bit sore, but as I was relatively active, I thought nothing of it. I chalked it up to all the cycling I did, going to the gym, walking, etc. After all, no one really thinks that they are going to get a debilitating disease in their 20s, especially one that is characterized  as an “old person’s disease”.

But slowly and surely, the pain got worse…gradually at first, until a few people told me that I was beginning to limp a bit–which I hadn’t realized at all.  I went to my physician, had some X-rays done, and all the diagnostic stuff done (so I thought), and was given a diagnosis of osteoarthritis in my hip. I was told to lose weight, given some pain killers and advised that nothing really could be done, but unfortunately the pain would get worse.

It was difficult. Very difficult. That’s when I first saw a therapist. Not for long, because I didn’t feel a good fit, and didn’t have a whole lot of money of my own to spend on it. It was the first time I was suicidal. I could not imagine living my life in this manner, not being able to do the things I loved doing–especially biking/cycling. I loved doing that, and the thought of not being able to do that as well as a lot of other things sent me into a bad place. I was always introspective, so I went to my GP, told her what I was feeling, and she referred me.

The pain got worse and worse, but the painkillers I was taking were enough to dull the pain so that I could actually live a relatively pain-free life, even though I could tell things were getting worse.

However, my arthritis was “spreading”, or to be more precise, the pain was in more joints. So my physician sent me to a specialist, and it was there that I got my first unwelcome surprise about my pain. My GP assumed that my age and weight meant that I had osteo-arthritis–wear and tear, while presenting early in my life, is relatively benign to treat. She did NOT do any tests to rule out any other kind–tests which my specialist DID. To my shock, I found out that I had a form of rheumatoid arthritis.

It explained the pain, worsening in so many parts of my body, not just one. And alas, it allowed it to gain a foothold–years head start. Rheumatoid arthritis CAN be slowed down as your body is attacking itself–but medication needs to be given ASAP. And that wasn’t done. The funny thing is, my sister had dealings with her, and had always thought my GP was, to put it uncharitably, a quack. I began to see her point.

It was frustrating–not being able to do the things I wanted to do perfectly and pain free. It still is sometimes. I realize that my pain causes me to be different and look different. It is a constant reminder, a constant source of stress–granted some days are better than others, and I can celebrate that. But it’s always there. I manage–but managing isn’t good enough sometimes, and I know that I won’t be as pain free as I can be until I have surgery. And I admit that sometimes I hate what my pain has done to me. I can’t hide my physical manifestation of my pain…I walk funny, it’s hard to bend down and get up from a standing position. And I hate that. I hate that I think I’m Frankenstein, and that people only see that about me, and nothing else. I hate the pain because I can’t really hide it.

But. I’ve gotten adept at handling it better, and the fact that it IS curable by routine surgery does give me comfort, and allows me to deal with it. It doesn’t define me, but for now, is a part of me. And I’m ok with that, even though there are good days and bad days.

That’s all for now.