Brideshead Revisited: Part 1

Greetings and salutations!! It’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve blogged, and I apologize for that. My blog has mainly been therapeutic and as I’ve continued to heal and grow, my desire to write has become less and less. That being said, I find myself with a lot more time than I used to have, so here I am.

Brideshead Revisited, written by Evelyn Waugh is about a soldier who comes across a country estate he’s been to before: Brideshead. The story is about the recollections he has had with the estate and the people in it.

When I write entries, I pretty much edit them briefly and never look at them again. But I decided that as 2020 approaches, it was time to take stock and revisit some of the things I wrote and compare it to how I feel now. I’m older, a bit wiser, and I feel like I’ve been in a war, so I think the comparison is apt.

Where to begin, where to begin. LOL. Well, for those of you who have read most of these entries, I think there’s really one place to begin. You know who he is.

But before we start down that road, let me say this. In reading over my entries, I truly realize how dark a place I was in. I know that it can seem worse than it is, but I think that for me, it was a horrible place I didn’t know how to get out of. I was lost, confused, depressed (clinically), and filled with an intense amount of sadness and pain. I’m thankful to say that most of that has disappeared with the passage of time, AND with an excellent therapist who’s forced me to make the changes required and implement them in my life.

I’ve been more resilient, tougher, and more direct with what I want, and what I don’t want. I’m become…more in tune with who I really am, and more courageous in dealing with the scary parts of life. Whether it’s expressing my needs, or telling someone how I’m feeling, or even cutting someone out of my life–it really is more about me than it has been in a long time. Expressing my emotions, especially anger, has been a bit better. I’m still wary of conflict some days, but I’m more ready to cut the cord with bad and toxic relationships.

Which leads into the next thing. FEAR. I’ve realized how fearful I’ve been of life, love, and a whole lot of other things. I’ve tried to do my best to banish fear from what I do, and to put it in its proper place. It’s been hard. There has been lots of things I’m afraid of, but I’m learning that sometimes, my head is my worst enemy and I need to confront it, and even override it to get what my heart really wants. It could be a new job, or a new love.

I’ve also learned not to delude myself about stuff–that there’s a difference between being optimistic and being fantastical, and that if I can get hurt, it could be bad. And yet…balancing out all of that stuff is something I’ve learned too! The mixture between optimism, fear, realism, confidence is an exquisite alchemy of things that has to be finely balanced. I’m getting that balance.

Hmmmmm. Well. Save the best for last, I guess. LOL. What I’ve I learned about the whole sordid thing that was the impetus for this series of blog entries? What I have I learned about K?

I was angry back then. OH SO ANGRY. My rage was pretty much incandescent back then. Angry at him, angry at the situation that I’d been, angry at the world, and how he represented it. Oh so fucking angry. Deep Breath. (and I do mean I took a literal deep breath just now after reading some my entries with fresh eyes). That was then.

Today? I’ve learned to be at peace with the entire situation. There are still some things which I won’t post because I don’t feel like making it public. But suffice to say, I’m more at peace with a lot of things. The anger? Gone. For the longest time I was angry at him and oh so angry at myself. All the sins of the world and screwed up way we date and categorize attractiveness were firmly placed on his head and mine. And I realized that I’m responsible for me. That the anger and guilt I felt about how things ended was misplaced. The blame which I had heaped upon him wasn’t deserved.

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME. I’m responsible for communicating my desires, my hopes, wishes and dreams, and I didn’t do that with him. And that is NO ONE’S fault but mine. At the end of the day, I have to do what needs to be done and I can’t outsource that to anyone and then blame them when they refuse to do my heavy lifting. Especially when they are burdened by their own trials and tribulations. I especially can’t expect them to do that when it’s not in their nature.

It’s like being a hero—some people rush toward danger when they see it, and some people run away. And that’s fine. If heroes were plentiful as weeds, their actions wouldn’t be heroic. I had hoped that he would have been a hero and rescued me from my troubles and burdens, even though he’s not the heroic type. And I want to be clear…I’m not trying to be snarky or mean. I’m doing something which I very rarely did with him which is look at him through the lenses of reality and common sense, instead of the filter of hagiography (the study of angels).

I learned that love and attraction isn’t something that can be logically explained or checked off like items on a list, or a flow chart. There has to be something there. Something more there–an attraction, spark, something that transcends the bond between being a friend and being a romantic partner. It can’t be logic-ed into, if I may make up a word. There needs to be chemistry, and if that chemistry isn’t there, nothing will cause it to appear.

I’ve learned that perfection isn’t something that needs to be attained all the time for something to be successful. Even though the truth of how I felt came out in the ugliest, messiest way, even though it caused a huge amount of damage, and even though it pretty much destroyed a friendship–I am proud that I managed to take a toxic relationship (while not realizing it was) and end it based on my own needs. I like to think of myself as Darth Vader: eventually I’ll do the right thing in the end. LOL.

I’m happy because it had to be done, and I’m happy because at the end of the day, I realized that I was the ONLY one that could do it. It may have come late, it may have left everything a barren wreck–but all of that notwithstanding, I forced myself to step up. I finally realized that there was no shame in that, in being less than perfect, and that I should be proud that I did my best when I had to.

Doing what needs to be done, saying what needs to be said, moving on with my life, improving myself, making things clear, declaring my feelings…yeah. that’s on me. And I’ve learned that it will always have to be on me.

I’ve learned that I can’t control things as much as I’d love to. And that ties in with the above. There are some things which are controllable, and some which aren’t. I’m learning the difference and it definitely helps me relax and be a bit more loose about life.

I’ll just say this–I haven’t heard from him in about 6-7 months. But I did send an e-mail and I hope he responds. I do miss my friendship, and still hope that at some point we can work things through, as difficult as it may be. And after ten months of not seeing him in person, or communicating in any form since June… well…I’ll leave you with this.

I told my therapist, this reminded me of the tale of the prodigal son from the bible. He wanted his inheritance before his father died. His father gave it to him, and the son left, spent the money on wine, women, and song, was broke, and came back. His father spotted him from a distance away, had a feast, etc. How does this relate? Well, while the father was looking to see if he was going to come back..and hoping that he’d come back–he didn’t chase his son and try to get him back. He left it to the son to decide. If he wants to come back into my life as a friend, based on my new dynamic…huzzah! But until or IF that happens, I am happy living my best life. OH!!!! I went to Hawaii in November!!!!!!

So yes…I’m finally in a good place. Oh, I learned three more important things over the last 10 months.

I’ve learned what love is. I’ve learned what love isn’t. And I’ve learned to live without him in my life. And I think that lesson was the hardest one of all. But having learned it means that should I be lucky enough to revive our friendship on a new, different and more healthier tone–should it not work, I KNOW I’ll be able to move on again, and not be a wreck in the process.

That’s all for now.