Be Careful What You Wish For

So, it’s been a very long while since I’ve blogged.

If you haven’t read my entries about K, I suggest you read them so that you’re caught up. I was going to say long story short, but this is a blog entry, so long story is going to be kind of long. Well, I’ll leave it up to you, gentle readers, to figure out exactly how long, short, or just right this entry is.

So, to preface, I had given up all hopes of making contact with him again. And I was ok with that. However, in February of this year, I had an accident–lost my footing and slipped in the bathroom. Now, I wasn’t injured. But I could have been. Fatally. So, I decided to reach out one. more. time. as I had just escaped a brush with potential death and figured that we should let bygones be bygones.

And, several months later, he responded. And the angels of heavenly host opened up and sang joyous songs of praise!! Actually, my therapist had a conniption fit and advised me NOT to talk with him. So yeah, angelic host on one shoulder, and conniption fits on the other. My first therapist would have also had a fit, ergo the plural!

We had a long three hour chat, and decided to try and make it work. There were some fits and starts at the beginning, but I brought up the issues that I wanted dealt with, and it seemed to be going well.

We had lunch about 3 weeks later, and we talked, and he offered to take me home. Which I accepted, because, hey…Uber is expensive, and public transit can take way too long.

While we were in the car it was like old times. And I was *ON*. My friends know that I can get into a groove where I’m funny, gregarious, sarcastic, witty and smart. It is when I am 100% at my best and when it happens, people need to look out! I ooze charisma, charm…well, you get the point.

So, anyway, the car was filled with peals of laughter and two guys having a good time. And I got home, did some stuff, puttered around a bit, and began to think. What I thought was that while I didn’t have any feelings towards him, we still would have made a good couple. And I think you can do that–speculate on being with people in a clinical way. I think anyone who witnessed us would have thought we were a couple. And I was ok with that.

But then I started to think some more. Now, I’m a 50 year old man, who hasn’t been in a lot of relationships. The LGBTQ community, and people in general can be extremely shallow. But more than that, attractiveness is a personal thing, which can’t be explained. People have types. I’m Black, I’m heavy, and I’ve got mobility impairments (albeit temporary): three HUGE strikes in the dating world. Now, I’m also funny, smart, can sing like a siren of Greek myth, employed, a good conversationalist, and pretty much has their crap together, and working on the parts I don’t. In short, I’m not that bad a catch…BUT one needs to look past my physical appearance first. To be honest, I don’t know if my feelings of inadequacy are impacting how I’m responding to this.

So, my feelings morphed…I felt that if he couldn’t see past my appearance despite our obvious chemistry and rapport, then I thought no one would. Now, my therapist would say I should want someone who wants me for me…all of me. But it’s tough.

And then I got angry.

When we talked that first time in three years, he apologized for things, and I accepted those apologies. In thinking back on it though? I shouldn’t have. I was angry. Very angry, and I hadn’t let that out. I was angry for making a fool of myself, angry that a supposed friend didn’t stop me from making a fool of myself. I was angry at the illogical and yet perfectly logical science of attraction, angry that he seemed like the stereotypical man who’s only interested in physical attributes, angry at myself…lots and lots of anger…anger at being used without a care for my feelings. To be honest, my therapist said I should be angry and that I have a lot to be angry about.

And all that anger bubbled up to the surface.

Cause this the thing…I don’t want to be this angry, but the anger does need to come out and be expressed.

I want to be with people who uplift me and bring me joy.

I want to be with people who like and love me for who I am.

I want to be with friends who have treated me with kindness

I want to be with people who can give me the same energy I give them.

And finally? This was hard for me to put into words, and I’m not sure how true it is…but I want to be with people who aren’t using me to fulfill a need until it can be fulfilled by someone else.

I just wanna SHINE!

So, I texted K, and said that I’m going to run a few ideas past my therapist, and then we’ll talk about whether keeping this friendship going is a good idea. I’m proud of that, btw. Proud of how quickly I moved once I figured out I need to move and take action to protect my feelings and emotions. And yes…while we’ve had a great friendship in the past, I too have read over my previous blog entries and I don’t want to feel that way ever again.

I’ve got a group of friends on FB, shared chat, that I call the KAG. The “K” Advisory Group. LOL. Their job is to have my back and make sure I don’t do or say anything stupid and to act as a sounding board. YES, I’m a nerd who forms committees to handle emotional entanglements! Saves time repeating the same thing to two of my best friends! Leave me be!

For what it’s worth, they are unanimous…they are advising to be careful. And I will.

Soooooo…therapy on Wednesday, and we’ll see what he has to say about all of this. However, I will say one thing. I will avoid making two major mistakes: the first mistake I’ll avoid is letting this go on for any length of time. Should I have to admit I made a mistake in contacting him and allowing him to contact me, it’ll be done quickly, and we’ll bury the friendship for good. And as scary as it may be to me and other people, I’m going to get angry. Very angry.