Am I in Love?

Short answer? I have no idea. However, that makes for a really crappy blog entry, so I’ll soldier on.

I’m a huge fan of musicals! One of my favourites, and one of the best ever is “My Fair Lady”, movie version, starring Sir Rex Harrison and Audrey Hepburn. At the end of the movie, Harrison’s character ( Prof. Henry Higgins) has this to say. Given that’s it’s 2019, I’ve changed the genders.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I’ve grown accustomed to his face.
He almost makes the day begin.
I’ve grown accustomed to the tune that
He whistles night and noon.
His smiles, his frowns,
His ups, his downs
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again-
And yet
I’ve grown accustomed to his look;
Accustomed to his voice;
Accustomed to his face.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the musical, Prof. Henry Higgins has treated Eliza Doolittle horribly in order to win a bet, and improve her life. At the end, she naturally has had enough, and storms out to marry another man, and leave Prof. Higgins’ life completely.

This song is his response to her leaving. The question is…after all they’ve gone through, is he in love with her? Does he care for her so much that he’d rather have her in his life, even though he doesn’t realize it until she leaves?

I KNOW Prof. Higgins. Professor Higgins is me. Not literally of course, but as someone who has difficulty recognizing the deeper emotions, I can completely relate to this character. The arrogance, the certainty in knowing what I think and being right…all of it. LOL.

So when I listen to this character sing (and speak) the words to this song, I ask myself, does he love her, or have feelings for her that he can’t put into words? Has his original purpose for having her around change without him really knowing about it on a conscious or subconscious level until she’s gone?

I would answer in the affirmative. For his character, this is as close as he’s going to get to saying “I love her/I need her/I want her around.” This is the only time he’s expressing emotional vulnerability and admitting that his vaunted independence isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. He is opening himself up. Granted, she’s not being told this because she’s not around when he sing this song, but baby steps, baby steps.

Getting back to my statement, “I KNOW Prof. Higgins. Professor Higgins is me.”, I’ve been asking myself some very tough questions on subjects that I’m not on very solid emotional footing. Things like love, romance, caring, compassion, etc.

Reason over passion, that’s my thing. Cold hearted, logical, analytical. All of these things describe me. Emotional? Dewy-eyed? Falling wildly and madly in love without a lot of thinking and reasoning first? NEVER. If I did fall in love, it would be deliberate, no? There would be a moment where I’d decide that I was in love, and wanting to commit to a relationship. I wouldn’t just kind of slide into it like a DM on an instagram account.

I’ve been going through a lot. A lot of emotional turmoil and shock. I’ve been feeling hurt, angry, woebegone…almost like I’m in mourning. My therapist suggested “emotional affair.” Very weird, very poignant hearing that out loud for the first time.

Caring for a person, wanting to be in person’s presence, hanging out, doing things, confessing your hopes and fears, sharing the same views on relationships, and monogamy, imagining a future together, talking every single day, knowing his hopes and his fears, wanting to help him, take care of him, recognizing what he needs before he needs it…wanting physical intimacy, getting used to the space he occupies in your life, and making space for him to occupy more.

Is that love? Here’s the thing…Given my emotional weaknesses, I’d doubt that I’d know or recognize love while I was in it. Especially if it were gradual and slow.

But now that’s he’s gone? Or more to the point, now that I’ve left? Was it love, infatuation, lust? Was it driven by loneliness and a desire to have more? Was it me being unfamiliar with love and not recognizing when it’s real or if it’s just counterfeit feelings? The equivalence to false labour?

But I’m so used to hear him say
“Good morning” ev’ry day.
His joys, his woes,
His highs, his lows,
Are second nature to me now;
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I’m very grateful he’s a man
And so easy to forget;
Rather like a habit
One can always break-
And yet,
I’ve grown accustomed to the trace
Of something in the air;
Accustomed to his face.

What do you think? I’ve never asked for comments, but I AM asking this time.

I think I know the answer. Alas, I need to keep it to myself for now.