A Year Later…

Greetings and salutations!!!

I hope everyone is coping as well!

It’s been about a year, give or take a couple of weeks since I started writing this blog. It’s been about a year since I’ve been seeing a mental health professional. And it’s been about a year since I’ve had the rupture with my former friend K. All of these things are connected of course.

The main reason I started writing this blog was to express myself and to have an outlet for all the emotions I was experiencing. Sadness, rage, grief, despair—those emotions all needed to come out. They were corroding my soul.

And so they came out. I NEEDED somewhere to vent. I needed a place where I could tell how I felt without getting any negative feedback, without getting any judgment, without experiencing any shame. I needed an escape valve for all the emotions that were threatening to burst out in an uncontrollable, and irreversible way.

So I started my blog. And I wrote. It was raw, and honest. But it was also the truth as I saw and experienced it. It was me at my best and me at my worse. But it was…me. Unapologetically me.

In time, the need to write in it lessened as I came to grips with a more healthy and realistic existence based on the help of my mental health professional.

I think another reason I created the blog was to keep a record of things. It’s been useful to chronicle my life from its horrible lows to the relative highs that I’m now experiencing. I’m glad that I can go back and see where I’ve been–and more importantly, avoid the mistakes that I made so I don’t repeat them.

Because of all of the above, I don’t feel the need to blog as often, or to get as raw and emotional. I think that’s a good thing. I’ve embraced and integrated the changes that I needed to make in my life. I’m not perfect of course. I am, however, on my way there. LOL. Which is the next best thing.

A year of therapy…therapy has been an absolute godsend, and I’m glad my employer’s benefit package covers a substantial portion of it. Just as everyone should go for a physical checkup, everyone should go for a mental health checkup. There is always SOMETHING that can be improved regarding one’s health.

For me, I realized that I was in a precarious state. I also realized it was important not just to have someone to talk to about all the stuff that was going on in my life, but to also learn the life skills to prevent them from happening again, and to start myself on the road to healing and wellness. It was also important to analyze the truths and realities as I saw them and be sure that I was being honest and accurate with myself.

Some of my blog entries deal with my sessions. Again, I look back and read what I wrote so that I have a good road map for the future as well as not forgetting the lessons I’ve learned.

What have I learned over the past year? Lots of things that are too numerous to list here. Especially as they are all listed in my blog in previous entries. I will, however, say this. I have learned to be direct and open with my feelings. I’ve learned that it’s ok to want things and I’ve learned that it is completely understandable to take care of myself first, even at the expense of others. I’ve learned to be less fearful of life and to worry less.

A year later…my former friend “K”.

In many ways this is the easiest and hardest part of this blog entry to write. That being said, I’ve never shied away from being direct and blunt with my readers, and I don’t intend on changing that.

I’m disappointed that we haven’t communicated in over 9 months because he was a good friend, and I truly believe that there was enough to try and rebuild it based on a new dynamic. I’ve always been optimistic and confident when I’m positive that I’m right.

That being said…it does take two to tango, and I do have more self-respect than I did a year ago, or even 9 months ago. One of the problems in our friendship was that he was never one to initiate anything. I always had to take the lead. I don’t want to do that anymore. I can’t do that anymore. It’s not healthy for me. It’s not the right way to approach things. Through therapy, I’ve learned to have more respect for my feelings. Nine months ago, I wrote an email extending a hand of friendship. He has not extended his hand back to me. So I have a choice. I can either do what I always did and take the lead and end up disappointed when it’s not reciprocated? Or I can be happy that I’ve tried my best. I’m definitely going with the latter. Despite everything in the world…pandemics, quarantines, self-isolation, etc…while I wonder how his life is…he is not wondering about me, or reaching out to me.

In the past, I would have ignored that salient fact and blundered on. However, that kind of behaviour is 2019, and this is 2020. Just as a verbal answer is a response to a question…so is silence. I have my answer as to how he feels about rekindled communication, and because I respect myself…I will respect it, while at the same time missing my former friend.

One of my favourite songs is by Irving Berlin. It’s called “Blue Skies”. It’s a song of hope and optimism. Per Wikipedia, “The sunny optimism of the lyrics are undercut by the minor key giving the words an ironic feeling.” I’ve embraced this song as my theme for this year, compared to the hell that was last year.

“Blue skies smiling at me,
Nothing but blue skies do I see.
Blue birds singing a song,
Nothing but blue birds all day long.

Never saw the sun shining so bright.
Never saw things go oh so right.
Noticing the days hurrying by.
When you’re in love, my my how they fly.
Blue days, all of them gone.
Nothing but blue skies from now on.”

This is a cover I’m particularly fond of.

Granted, I’m not in love. Gotta make that clear! LOL. The reason I love this song is because compared to last year, I have hope. I have a sense of purpose. I have more happiness than I thought I could. I have a sense of peace and a sense of direction in that hopefully, there are more blue skies now, and there will be more blue skies ahead despite EVERYTHING that has happened from a year ago. Blue skies indeed.

That’s all for now.